First World Hell

The San Francisco DMV

I go to the DMV’s website to renew my license, months before expiring. I submit the form and a red error says to visit a local branch office. I try the form again. Same message, I try again on my phone, then on my work laptop, then through different browsers. Every time, same red error. My fate is sealed. If I want to legally drive, buy alcohol, or apply for a job, I need to visit the DMV.

This is the city that invented self-driving cars, user experience design, and artificial intelligence. If any city can can figure out the DMV, it’s San Francisco. I get there about an hour after it opens and look around. A man blows his nose and throws the tissue the floor. An elderly woman is hysterically crying to an unsympathetic employee.

I walk up to a large yellow kiosk. I scan my driver’s license and tap Renew. It’s the same form as on the website. Unsurprisingly, I get the same red error message as before. I try again. Same error. I curse at the machine and get in line. A teenager and her father line up behind me.

The line is moving quickly. I'm feeling optimistic. Halfway through, another line starts to intersect our line. Crap, there’s more than one line? Everyone in my line is getting their picture taken. I interrupt an old black lady typing something into a computer, she’s got on a name-tag, Gloria. I ask Gloria if this is the line to renew a license. She points to the other side of the building.

I walk over. This line wraps outside, around a corner. It's raining. I make small talk with the short woman in front of me, I say something like “we're all in this together,” she laughs. A half hour passes. I get to the front. A tall man with a crew cut calls me over. I tell him I need to renew my license.

He hands me a slip of paper, scribbles a code on it, and points towards the line I was in earlier.

The teenager and her father are still there. I get in line behind them. I get to the front and hand the paper slip to Gloria.

She points me towards an open computer and I tap Renew. Thanks Gloria, but I doubt this will work. Same form, same questions. It's muscle memory now, I finish it quickly. The screen goes blank. I knew it wouldn’t work. A popup with a confirmation number appears. My hope returns. I write down the number on the paper slip and return to the lady. She types something onto her computer and writes G 145 on my paper slip. I take a seat.

Over the loudspeaker, a robotic voice says, "Now serving G 78.” What’s 145 minus 78? 80, 90? Maybe I should hop over to the DMV in El Cerrito, that one is usually less crowded. I slouch in my chair and lean against the wall. An hour of my life passes by. I start to fall asleep.

"Now serving G 145 at Window 4"

I jump out of my seat and walk to Window 4.

The guy with the crew cut is sitting there. I hand him the slip of paper and remind him that I need to renew my license. He asks for my license. I give it to him.

"You can't renew this license, it won't expire for months. You'll have to come back closer to the expiration date"

Flustered, I say, "can I renew it early? I don't know when my next day off will be."

He sighs,

"I have pointedly told you, you need to come back closer to the license's expiration date. Is that unclear?"

I've come too far to give up.

"Please, I've got two kids," I lied, "if my license expires I could lose my job."

He sighs again.

"Fine, if you're willing to take the written tests I can renew your license early." He scribbles photo and test on my slip of paper, and charges me $41.

I thank him and make my way back to the first line. The world is starting to make sense. I get to the front, a very large lady tells me to smile and look at the blue light. I force a smile. She prints out a few pages of paper, hands them to me, and wishes me luck on the written test.

I stand in the line that intersects the photo line. This test will be a breeze, I've been driving for years. She points me to a computer and I start the test.

You are about to make a left turn. You must signal continuously during the last ____ feet before the turn.

50

75

100

Well, obviously 75, it's always the middle number on these types of questions. A red X appears. Darn.

If you pass a school bus that is stopped with its red lights flashing, you will:

Be fined up to $1,000.

Be fined up to $100.

Face no legal consequences.

The government would rather have $1,000 than $100, so the answer must be $1,000. A green check mark appears. My confidence returns. I answer about 15 more questions, most are just common sense. Then I get this question:

“If you flee or attempts to elude a police officer, but cause no bodily harm or injury, what is the penalty?”

16 months, 2 or 3 years in state prison

A $10,000 fine and 5 points on your license

Six months probation and a revoked license

No idea, so I guess and pick the $10,000 fine. Wrong. That's too many wrong answers, I failed, hanging my head in shame, This is something every car-driving-law-abiding citizen should know. But I’ve got a retry! I can beat this.

An old man and a young woman start filling out a form on the computer next to mine. The young woman asks him for information, birthdate, social security number, etc, the man responds in broken English and she fills in the response. It's pretty distracting.

This time, I passed. I proudly tell Gloria that I passed and hand her my papers. Without verifying anything, she scribbles something on the paper and tells me to stand in the line for Window 1.

I get in line. I get to the front. I hand an asian lady my ID and paperwork. I’m so close. She says,

"One moment sir, my colleague will help you, we are changing shifts"

I smile at her and say “no worries.” She logs out and walks away. I lean on the counter, feeling relieved, I’m almost done.

The guy with the crew cut sits down, logs into the computer.

He looks over the papers and says:

"You can't renew this, you'll have to come back closer to its expiration date."